Chewing The Fat- Body Confidence

Me and my body have never really been friends, except maybe when I was a kid and I saw my body as nothing more than miraculous. It was something that took me from A to Z, my legs were strong and helped me climb trees and run for hours. But now, nineteen year old me is too caught up in the superficial aspects of my being, all I see are the physical imperfections and flaws. The things that magazines whisper in the dark, that 'make me ugly'

I'm constantly re-learning how to love my body, I've read every self love article out there, surrounded myself with positivity until the hashtags were dripping off my skin. But forcing yourself to accept your body and actually accepting it are two very different things. I'm sure even the slender, beautiful models of Instagram have days where they look in the mirror and feel disheartened. Because, no body, no vessel is perfect, no one can say they love every aspect of themselves to the point of pure arrogance and if they do, they're a liar.

You'd have to be sub-human to think every aspect of who you are or what you look like is perfect. You'd have to be robotic, created by some weird guys in a lab. Because even if to you, someone seems beautiful in every way, they probably hate their eyebrows or that weird bump on their knee. They see themselves through different eyes. They dress to hide the things they don't like about themselves, buying baggy t-shirts to cover their tummy or long sleeve shirts to cover the stretch marks on their arms.

One thing I've learnt in my body confidence journey is that comparison is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. You can stand around watching beautiful people walk past and think 'Oh god i would kill for those legs' all you want, but that does absolutely nothing for you but depress you. By continually reminding yourself of what you don't have, you overlook what you do have and I promise it's so much more than you think.

One thing I'm struggling with at the moment, is realising that I don't have to accept my body as it is, let me explain. Back in 2014 before my breakdown, my weight was healthy. I've always been chubby, curvy or however you want to describe it, but back then I was slimmer and healthier. The truth is, I miss that body so much. I miss not having rolls or stretch marks, i miss being able to wear tight clothes without feeling like I have a giant hot spotlight on me, drawing attention to the aspects of myself I don't like. I miss feeling sexy and confident in tight jeans knowing full well my big bum was on display and it looked amazing, I just miss feeling confident in my body.

This summer I've embarked on a No Carb Diet i know what you're thinking, why the fuck would you try to consume anything that wasn't a carbohydrate??! And it's tough, so so tough. But I'm determined to lose weight and be myself again. But by saying all this, I'm not discouraging body confidence and the body positivity movement because it has done wonders for me and millions of other people. But right now, I'm big enough (no pun intended) to admit to myself that I'm not happy with my body and that's okay. It's okay to want to change your body, it doesn't make you any less of a feminist or body positive activist to want to change and become healthier. And health is totally subjective by the way, one major part of the movement is to educate people on minding their own fucking buisiness when it comes to other peoples weight. There are women and men in the world who weigh way more than I do, but are MILES healthier. But the point is, I want to become healthy again.

I've come so far with my mental health, I'm now confident enough in my personality and abilities. I have conviction and passion, I fully support myself in achieving mental goals and strive to better my mental self in any way. But now it's time to take that healthy attitude I've learnt to develop and channel it towards my physical health.

Speak soon,

Molly
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