A Letter To My Emotional Abuser

Dear You,

You won't think i'm talking about you, you'll think i'm rambling on and being overly dramatic about somebody else. But the truth is, this is honestly how you treated me. At my first therapy session i told a lovely lady with smart black trousers all about you. I detailed our friendship, telling her everything you'd say to me, how you'd treat me. And guess what she did? She put her pen down, looked me in the eye and said Molly, that's emotional abuse.

I remember feeling weak at the knees, ashamed and scared. I sat back as she told me all about people like you. She told me exactly how common it is, to be emotionally abused by an old friend. And i had no idea what to think or say. But now, i just pity you. For years i thought that if i bumped into you in the village, i'd smile and pretend everything's fine. But now, i've decided that this letter is the last thing i will ever say to you.

Our friendship started out sweet, young and innocent children playing at the back of the school. Braiding each others hair and talking about boys, it was nothing more than normal. But secondary school came around and you hated how sociable i was. You hated that i could get along with anyone, you hated that lots of people liked me and wanted to be my friend. You told me they hated me, pulled me away from them breaking the cord, telling me you were the only one who truly liked me. You fed your own insecurities by telling me, that without you i would be nothing.

You twisted me and tugged at my heart, isolating me from anyone that got close to 'what we had.' And when i stuck with you like glue, you spent the hours torturing me. Consistently telling me i wasn't pretty or funny. Telling me i was boring and annoying. Calling me fat and worthless. You told me daily that no one would ever love me. And even now, writing this i feel guilty for exposing the kind of person you are. You manipulated me so much, i still feel that guilt when i'm honest about how you treated me. I still feel like i'm over dramatising it or painting you as the bad guy which i shouldn't be doing. But that's just how you twisted my thoughts.

And this emotional abuse went on for years. You see before you, i was confident and loud. Most children don't have insecurities, but i was so confident you'd think i was a superhero. But then you came along and dragged me through the dirt for years. You degraded me, pulled me away from excellence. You made me insecure, you made me doubt everything about myself. Made me think my skin wasn't soft or youthful, but cold and hard like yours. You made me think my eyes weren't green and bright, but dirty like moss on a tree.

And the worst part is, you don't even know you did it. If someone was to ask you what your friendship with me was like, you'd gush like an open wound telling them how happy you were. How good of a friend i was to you. But that's because i was all sugar and smiles. I didn't know better and thought that the way you treated me was normal.

I do pity you now though. Because i know that the only reason you did all of that was because you were so lonely. You had no real friends because you'd pushed them all away with your cruel temper and mean spirit. I was the only thing you had and that's why you clung to me. And i was kind, funny and a great friend, i would lift you up when you were down. Make you laugh. And you saw me as weak, which made you feel strong. You looked at the parts of me you thought were ugly and saw that as your beauty. And even now people are shocked when i tell them how you treated me because i seemed so happy. But you cut me when no one was watching didn't you. What's even funnier about writing this is that you told me i would never be a good writer, you told me i would never excel past being a school dinner lady.

But let me tell you something, i don't know where i'll end up in life. But i know that my kindness, my passions, my humour and humility, my confidence and extroverted personality will get me far. I know that where ever i go, i will make new friends, make new connections that last a lifetime. And i know that where ever you go, you will drown in a sea of people that don't like you. 

So go, do whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy. Keep going in whatever job you're currently in or whatever strange man has agreed to love you. Keep going, but remember that whilst you'll ride on the road of life never exceeding expectations of you, i will soar in the sky. And after this i will try to do whatever i can, to forget everything we ever had.

Goodbye.

Molly