feeling proud of yourself is okay

I was never an insecure kid. Loud, cocky and sometimes too blunt yes but never insecure. That particular part of my personality came much later, through emotional trauma, two mental illnesses and teenage societal pressures, i became insecure. It's taken a while for me to build up certain aspects of my confidence back, some days are better than others. But one thing i'm still really bad at, is congratulating myself when i do something well.

I can acknowledge that i've done something good, i'll look at a piece of writing or a meal i've cooked and be like yep i did that. But i never seem to be able to take pride in it, i never shout from the rooftops about it and how happy i am for myself. Maybe it's the British in me or maybe it's just me, taking pride in my accomplishments makes me cringe. It literally makes me uncomfortable when someone compliments me, one time a guy on the train said i had beautiful eyes and i felt so unsure as to what to do i literally just walked away. I'm making myself sound like an idiot which i'm not, but i'm just so not used to seeing myself as someone that takes pride in their accomplishments, as someone that is deserving of praise. I'm not saying my eyes are my own accomplishment, that's all down to my mum. But in general when someone compliments the way i look, my neat handwriting or how kind i am. I just freeze up and mumble something like 'you too' and then run away.

But why am i so terrified of accepting compliments? This is the next part of my self love and confidence journey, i want to learn how to properly take a compliment and not just take it, but internalise it. I want each compliment i receive to become metaphorically tattooed onto my skin as an act of defiance to my insecurities. I want to be able to take pride in myself and the good things i achieve, without feeling guilty or undeserving. I want to punch insecurities in the face, i want to make confidence my bitch. I want to not be arrogant or self absorbed, but to just have a basic understanding of my good character traits. I want to be able to tell myself i like my work and to pat myself on the back, when others do. I want to be able to recognise when i've done well, without feeling like i should be focusing on something else.

It's not going to be easy, to retrain my mind to suddenly be a confident, badass boss bitch woman. But i am really going to try. Because feeling proud of yourself is an amazing and totally necessary thing. For us all to be sane, we need to be able to take moments when we realise how awesome we are. So i am going to list 5 things i like about myself and maybe this time next year, i can write 10...

1. My eyes are big and green and people compliment them a lot. I like that they glisten when i'm happy and i like that they are so expressive of my emotions, i think they're pretty. 
2. I like that my writing makes people happy and it helps them. Though i'm not totally confident in my work yet, i like that people enjoy it. 
3. My thighs are big and strong. An old PE teacher called them thunder thighs once, but i love them. They keep my body stable and allow me to be the strongest version of myself. 
4. My kindness is really nice, it's something my parents always taught me and my brothers and i love that i have the ability to be kind to everyone i meet. It makes life easier
5. I'm proud of how nice my boobs have turned out, they're perky and a nice medium size. I wish i could tell 14 year old Molly that they do turn out great eventually.

What about you? List 5 things you like about yourself and or are proud of. 

Speak soon,

Molly

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