An open letter to my teenhood

Collectively, my teenage years were some of the best and worst of my entire life. The highs and lows were immense and even though i know i'm ready to leave them, it's proving hard to say goodbye. 

It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, it's just another birthday like any other birthday or even like any other day. This really doesn't feel like that though, it feels like an ending. One of the big ones like leaving school or losing a friend. I'm losing my teen hood, to me that's just a lot to cope with

You know in movies, they have those scenes where the main character walks out of an empty room and switches off the light, this feels like that. And those scenes always make me cry, because in such a simple action so much goes unsaid. I feel like i'm having to grieve my teenage years and that's just something i'm going to struggle doing

In many ways i hated being a teenager, i was always craving more, always wanting to be older and wiser. I went through so much as a teen grief, mental illness, loss of friendships, weight gain and weight loss to name a few. And i spent a lot of the time feeling angry, angry that i was who i am and angry at the world just for being itself. But aside from all that anger, all that hurt and pain i really loved being a teenager. I loved the innocence, the fun and the feeling of total freedom. No real responsibilities, no actual stress and no boundaries. It was just a time for growth and happiness

I think i know why this whole thing is scaring me the most though. During the darkest time of my life, i didn't think i'd make it through each day. I wanted to die and i never ever thought i would make it to my 18th birthday, let alone my 20th. So this whole thing feels strange, if you'd ask 13 year old Molly how she felt about one day turning 20 she would be so happy and excited, she'd say something like oh wow i'll be so old and i can do anything, i can be a proper adult but ask current Molly and she's just plain terrified. I understand that it's an exciting time but it doesn't feel like it should be happening, i'm still 12 aren't i? How have so many years gone by and i feel like i blinked for a second and missed it

I just want to go back, even for a second and breathe in those teenage years. Walk around in the mind of me at that age and just experience it again. Or even just go back and tell her to do things differently, to appreciate the now more

But i can't do any of that, and no matter how much i try to wish away the next few days. The reality is on Sunday i am turning 20 and starting the next big chapter of my life. I'm trying so hard to appreciate that for what it is, new beginnings are fun and refreshing. They bring new opportunities and i want so bad to feel good about all of this. Some day i will, but right now i'm just tearfully looking back at
what once was. 

Thanks,

Molly
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