21 things I've learnt in 21 years
On Monday I will be turning 21, which feels strange. Although it isn’t really that old and I’ll look back at this and long for this age again, it still feels like such an unattainable age. Like I’d never get there or that I would but I had lots more time to prepare myself, but time is a cruel mistress and it crept up on me as it does with everyone. I thought I’d reflect on what I’ve learnt so far, what nuggets of wisdom I have come across and can pass on.
1. You don’t owe anyone your beauty
I think for many years as a teenager I felt as if looking my best was the most important thing, I should occupy my time making sure I look as attractive as possible. It’s fun to do this sometimes, to have days where you dress up and make an effort. I really like that feeling when I step out the door in a flattering outfit and washed hair and a full face of makeup, it’s good. But I don’t owe anyone that and this is what I’ve learnt. As much as it can feel nice to be attractive for a day, you do not have to be. You don’t owe anyone looking a certain way, you don’t owe them a pretty face. Physical beauty isn’t the rent you pay to exist in this world. You are allowed to have unflattering photos taken of you and to wear frumpy clothes and have spots and greasy hair. Don’t let your physicality define you and don’t let other people dictate how you should look or feel, be attractive or be unattractive but be it for you and nobody else.
2. People come into your life for varying reasons
You won’t know it at the time, but every person that walks into your life is doing so for a particular reason. They’re either coming to teach you a lesson, to make you stronger or braver. They may be teaching you what kinds of people you should be around. For whatever reason you should see each relationship, romantic or platonic, failed or successful as an important milestone. You should be grateful, see the time you spent together as a productive one, maybe even say thank you and move on.
1. You don’t owe anyone your beauty
I think for many years as a teenager I felt as if looking my best was the most important thing, I should occupy my time making sure I look as attractive as possible. It’s fun to do this sometimes, to have days where you dress up and make an effort. I really like that feeling when I step out the door in a flattering outfit and washed hair and a full face of makeup, it’s good. But I don’t owe anyone that and this is what I’ve learnt. As much as it can feel nice to be attractive for a day, you do not have to be. You don’t owe anyone looking a certain way, you don’t owe them a pretty face. Physical beauty isn’t the rent you pay to exist in this world. You are allowed to have unflattering photos taken of you and to wear frumpy clothes and have spots and greasy hair. Don’t let your physicality define you and don’t let other people dictate how you should look or feel, be attractive or be unattractive but be it for you and nobody else.
2. People come into your life for varying reasons
You won’t know it at the time, but every person that walks into your life is doing so for a particular reason. They’re either coming to teach you a lesson, to make you stronger or braver. They may be teaching you what kinds of people you should be around. For whatever reason you should see each relationship, romantic or platonic, failed or successful as an important milestone. You should be grateful, see the time you spent together as a productive one, maybe even say thank you and move on.
3. Different friends help with different things
If you look around at the friends you have, each is so different and that’s really a good thing. Especially being at uni you make friends from so many different groups and beliefs and standing points. At this point in my life I’m still developing, still trying to work out who I am and that’s okay. But the best way for anyone to grow and make progress is to be open to different people. Not only should you surround yourself with a diverse group of friends, you should acknowledge that each friend brings something new and unique to the table. Some friends are good at advice and long conversations about feelings, some really aren’t good at that. Some friends are funny and wild and loud and can always cheer you up, some friends are deep and intellectual and can carry a really interesting conversation. Whatever kind of friendship you have, understand and appreciate that different people can help with different aspects of your life and that’s okay. And don’t go looking for depth in a surface level friendship, you’re just looking for disappointment. Accept that each friend of yours brings something new to the equation and enjoy that.
4. Bravery runs deeper than you think
Bravery isn’t knights in shining armour and blatant chivalry, it isn’t the person who puts the spider in the cup and takes it outside. Bravery is loving yourself, bravery is telling yourself you can do things and believing in yourself. It’s confidence and acceptance, understand and remember that you are brave in your own way and that there are multiple definitions to the word brave, in whatever you do and however you live you are brave in your own way.
Bravery isn’t knights in shining armour and blatant chivalry, it isn’t the person who puts the spider in the cup and takes it outside. Bravery is loving yourself, bravery is telling yourself you can do things and believing in yourself. It’s confidence and acceptance, understand and remember that you are brave in your own way and that there are multiple definitions to the word brave, in whatever you do and however you live you are brave in your own way.
5. You’ll never stop learning
Don’t ever tell yourself you’re finished with learning, even if you’ve left the education system you will never stop learning. There’s still so much out there that you can learn, so much more knowledge you’re yet to soak up. You should not only accept this but enjoy the process of learning. See each experience of learning as an opportunity to grow and prosper, to develop one step closer to the best possible version of yourself.
Don’t ever tell yourself you’re finished with learning, even if you’ve left the education system you will never stop learning. There’s still so much out there that you can learn, so much more knowledge you’re yet to soak up. You should not only accept this but enjoy the process of learning. See each experience of learning as an opportunity to grow and prosper, to develop one step closer to the best possible version of yourself.
6. There are 2 sides to every story
Understand that whilst you may understand one persons point of view, there is another person involved. And this person has thoughts and feelings and emotions of their own, whatever happened remember that you’re never too old to consider both sides of the story. Despite pride or a stubborn belief you’re right, it’s only fair and kind to see the perspective of the person standing next to you, even if you struggle to understand it you should listen and give it a chance.
Understand that whilst you may understand one persons point of view, there is another person involved. And this person has thoughts and feelings and emotions of their own, whatever happened remember that you’re never too old to consider both sides of the story. Despite pride or a stubborn belief you’re right, it’s only fair and kind to see the perspective of the person standing next to you, even if you struggle to understand it you should listen and give it a chance.
7. There is no shame in asking for help
I’ve always struggled with this one, I’m too proud and stubborn to admit I’m struggling with something. But there is no shame or embarrassment in asking for help, in admitting that you don’t know how to do something. We all started off in the same boat, all started off with no knowledge or understanding of something. The thing you’re struggling with would have even perplexed the person who’s helping you at one point, and they probably asked for help as well. It’s a cycle, don’t be ashamed, just ask.
I’ve always struggled with this one, I’m too proud and stubborn to admit I’m struggling with something. But there is no shame or embarrassment in asking for help, in admitting that you don’t know how to do something. We all started off in the same boat, all started off with no knowledge or understanding of something. The thing you’re struggling with would have even perplexed the person who’s helping you at one point, and they probably asked for help as well. It’s a cycle, don’t be ashamed, just ask.
8. There are no benefits to worrying
Worrying does nothing to help you, it panics and derails you. It completely destroys you and can escalate in seconds. It’s impossible to never worry, automatically and naturally, your brain will worry. But develop coping mechanisms so that when you start to feel yourself worry you can shut those thoughts down, remind yourself these worries are stupid and futile and that they're just thoughts, they aren't physical or tangible. Focus on the facts, what you can see in front of you and what you know. Those things you can rely on.
Worrying does nothing to help you, it panics and derails you. It completely destroys you and can escalate in seconds. It’s impossible to never worry, automatically and naturally, your brain will worry. But develop coping mechanisms so that when you start to feel yourself worry you can shut those thoughts down, remind yourself these worries are stupid and futile and that they're just thoughts, they aren't physical or tangible. Focus on the facts, what you can see in front of you and what you know. Those things you can rely on.
9. Be accountable for your mistakes
We all make them, mistakes are natural and an inevitable aspect of life. Not only can you expect to make them a lot, you should also take heart from them. You learn and grow each time you make them. But remember that growing up is understanding and accepting these mistakes, be accountable for the stupid things you do. I still struggle with this sometimes, it’s embarrassing to admit when you did something stupid. But you should own these mistakes, claim them as your own and move on from them.
We all make them, mistakes are natural and an inevitable aspect of life. Not only can you expect to make them a lot, you should also take heart from them. You learn and grow each time you make them. But remember that growing up is understanding and accepting these mistakes, be accountable for the stupid things you do. I still struggle with this sometimes, it’s embarrassing to admit when you did something stupid. But you should own these mistakes, claim them as your own and move on from them.
10. You are a work in progress
You are completely unfinished and that’s okay. It’s good to remember that if you were a puzzle you’d be missing several pieces. As you age and as you learn you’ll find new pieces, you’ll fill out and grow. But remember that right now you are only a fraction of the person you are meant to be and the person you are going to become. Allow yourself time to be properly shaped and developed.
You are completely unfinished and that’s okay. It’s good to remember that if you were a puzzle you’d be missing several pieces. As you age and as you learn you’ll find new pieces, you’ll fill out and grow. But remember that right now you are only a fraction of the person you are meant to be and the person you are going to become. Allow yourself time to be properly shaped and developed.
11. Big things start small
It seems obvious to say, but every big thing started off small. Don’t be afraid to start with a blank slate, a small project or a tiny idea. And don’t see what you have now as what you’ll have forever, this small thing isn’t going to be small permanently. Believe in it, give it time and space and work hard and this small thing can grow into something grand. Just don’t be ashamed of it now, it’s allowed to start off small.
It seems obvious to say, but every big thing started off small. Don’t be afraid to start with a blank slate, a small project or a tiny idea. And don’t see what you have now as what you’ll have forever, this small thing isn’t going to be small permanently. Believe in it, give it time and space and work hard and this small thing can grow into something grand. Just don’t be ashamed of it now, it’s allowed to start off small.
12. Hold yourself to a higher standard
If you want better things for yourself you need to hold yourself to a higher standard and accept that you deserve more. Allow yourself to dream big, accept that you deserve all of the good things you want. Don’t think badly of yourself, if you do you’ll attract bad things. You have to understand that the standard you set for yourself, is the level at which other people will treat you. Treat yourself with respect and love and at least pretend that you deserve the best the world can offer.
If you want better things for yourself you need to hold yourself to a higher standard and accept that you deserve more. Allow yourself to dream big, accept that you deserve all of the good things you want. Don’t think badly of yourself, if you do you’ll attract bad things. You have to understand that the standard you set for yourself, is the level at which other people will treat you. Treat yourself with respect and love and at least pretend that you deserve the best the world can offer.
13. Be silly if you want to be
There are moments in life that are incredibly sad and serious and I wouldn’t expect you to act in a silly way then. But in moments where you want to be, be silly and be childish. Run and scream and jump and put on a silly voice. It’s important to reclaim the freedom we once had as children and bring it into adult life. It’s those moments of natural, free joy that you’ll look back on and miss. So make the most of them
There are moments in life that are incredibly sad and serious and I wouldn’t expect you to act in a silly way then. But in moments where you want to be, be silly and be childish. Run and scream and jump and put on a silly voice. It’s important to reclaim the freedom we once had as children and bring it into adult life. It’s those moments of natural, free joy that you’ll look back on and miss. So make the most of them
14. Allow yourself to be organised and prepared
You aren’t uncool for doing this, but allow yourself the time to be organised. To prepare and plan and structure things in your life. Pack your bag the night before and lay out an outfit, allow yourself a small amount of time in which you have control over the day. It really makes a difference, it means you have more time in the morning for yourself. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you do this, take pride in feeling organised.
You aren’t uncool for doing this, but allow yourself the time to be organised. To prepare and plan and structure things in your life. Pack your bag the night before and lay out an outfit, allow yourself a small amount of time in which you have control over the day. It really makes a difference, it means you have more time in the morning for yourself. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you do this, take pride in feeling organised.
15. Be the reason someone smiled today
It’s an easy thing to say and a much harder thing to execute. But making someone smile is an amazing feeling, it shouldn’t be overlooked or undermined. Remaining kind to everyone you meet is a really important thing, try to be the reason that somebody smiled today. You can’t get along with everyone and some people won’t like you, but if you’re able to be kind to a stranger and make them smile, not only will you feel good but you’ll spread that positivity on to the person after them. It’s priceless
It’s an easy thing to say and a much harder thing to execute. But making someone smile is an amazing feeling, it shouldn’t be overlooked or undermined. Remaining kind to everyone you meet is a really important thing, try to be the reason that somebody smiled today. You can’t get along with everyone and some people won’t like you, but if you’re able to be kind to a stranger and make them smile, not only will you feel good but you’ll spread that positivity on to the person after them. It’s priceless
16. Embrace the individuality of your own path
Be proud of the path you are on, be proud of how unique and individual it is. Don’t compare yourself to other people and long for the paths they are on, your path is just as brilliant as theirs. And bumps in the road will occur for everyone, at different times yes but eventually everyone meets a bump in the road. Take care of the path you are on, cherish it, appreciate it and enjoy the process of walking along it.
Be proud of the path you are on, be proud of how unique and individual it is. Don’t compare yourself to other people and long for the paths they are on, your path is just as brilliant as theirs. And bumps in the road will occur for everyone, at different times yes but eventually everyone meets a bump in the road. Take care of the path you are on, cherish it, appreciate it and enjoy the process of walking along it.
17. Happiness isn’t an end goal
Don’t see happiness as something you’re aiming to get to eventually, don’t see it as an end goal to aspire to. See happiness for what it is, it’s a wave that washes up onto you every now and then. It remains a constant in your life whether you can see it or not, learn to live for the little moments that make you happy and not one big resolution at the end of your life. It doesn’t exist. Appreciate the waves of temporary happiness as they appear.
Don’t see happiness as something you’re aiming to get to eventually, don’t see it as an end goal to aspire to. See happiness for what it is, it’s a wave that washes up onto you every now and then. It remains a constant in your life whether you can see it or not, learn to live for the little moments that make you happy and not one big resolution at the end of your life. It doesn’t exist. Appreciate the waves of temporary happiness as they appear.
18. Question the world around you
It’s important to not take things at face value, part of being an independent adult is questioning what you learn. It’s okay to have questions and it’s okay to hold these things to account. Asking questions is a really important part of working out what you believe. Don’t take the media and the news that you consume to be fact, dig things up and make certain you understand things. Don’t settle for answers, don’t try to be polite or kind in your pursuit of knowledge. Make people uncomfortable, ask those big questions and then you will grow and develop.
It’s important to not take things at face value, part of being an independent adult is questioning what you learn. It’s okay to have questions and it’s okay to hold these things to account. Asking questions is a really important part of working out what you believe. Don’t take the media and the news that you consume to be fact, dig things up and make certain you understand things. Don’t settle for answers, don’t try to be polite or kind in your pursuit of knowledge. Make people uncomfortable, ask those big questions and then you will grow and develop.
19. Know how to be vulnerable and how to be guarded
It’s important to find the balance here. It’s brave and strong of you to be vulnerable, to open yourself up to be hurt is a really powerful thing. Vulnerability can be huge in aiding your healing, allowing yourself to feel bruised and broken makes you brilliant. But whilst it’s important to learn when that vulnerability is needed, it’s also okay to guard yourself and keep yourself safe. You need to trust your instincts and trust that you know when to be open and when to be closed, allow yourself to be both and ride those feelings.
It’s important to find the balance here. It’s brave and strong of you to be vulnerable, to open yourself up to be hurt is a really powerful thing. Vulnerability can be huge in aiding your healing, allowing yourself to feel bruised and broken makes you brilliant. But whilst it’s important to learn when that vulnerability is needed, it’s also okay to guard yourself and keep yourself safe. You need to trust your instincts and trust that you know when to be open and when to be closed, allow yourself to be both and ride those feelings.
20. Let in your natural feelings
It’s okay to feel sad when you feel sad and it’s okay to feel happy when you feel happy. It sounds ridiculously dumb to have to write this down so blatantly, but it’s important to never dilute your own emotions. You need to let those emotions flow freely, don’t keep them in and don’t shut them out. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is your body is wanting to feel, cry or laugh or scream. But let those emotions become normal.
It’s okay to feel sad when you feel sad and it’s okay to feel happy when you feel happy. It sounds ridiculously dumb to have to write this down so blatantly, but it’s important to never dilute your own emotions. You need to let those emotions flow freely, don’t keep them in and don’t shut them out. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is your body is wanting to feel, cry or laugh or scream. But let those emotions become normal.
21. Every mistake is rectifiable
It’s easy to feel like you’re screwing up on a colossal scale, but you aren’t doing as badly as you think you are. And every mistake that you make can be fixed, this isn’t over and you don’t need to give up. Step back, take a breath and fix it. Nothing stays broken forever and you can fix whatever it is you've broken. Just remember that these mistakes do not define who you are and what you are capable of.
It’s easy to feel like you’re screwing up on a colossal scale, but you aren’t doing as badly as you think you are. And every mistake that you make can be fixed, this isn’t over and you don’t need to give up. Step back, take a breath and fix it. Nothing stays broken forever and you can fix whatever it is you've broken. Just remember that these mistakes do not define who you are and what you are capable of.
Thanks,
Molly
xxxx
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