Lets talk about spontaneity as an anxious person

I hate to admit it, hate how it sounds on my tongue or how it looks on the screen. But i have to say it because it's true, my anxiety holds me back. It makes me angry that my anxiety can stop me from doing even the simplest of things. It can stop me from going to social events that i actually really want to go to or it can make me doubt something as simple as riding on the train? Something i've been doing since i was a kid. Or even stop me from talking to friends for long periods of time, making me distance myself. It can stop me from living my life in the way i want to.

And it's so hard to explain to people. My anxiety is like this little person living in my head and most of the time i'm fine and that little person isn't doing anything. But at the worst times, just before big social events or planned meetings i'm looking forward to, that little person will start very loudly drilling in my brain. It'll start telling me all sorts of bad things are going to happen, it'll send a message to my heart telling it to start sending sharp pains around my body, just for shits and giggles. And it's terrifying. I've had to cancel so many plans with so many friends and pretended i was ill because i knew they wouldn't understand if i told them my mind felt like it was on fire

One thing that my anxiety ruins, is spontaneity. I'm young and fun right? I can have spontaneous trips with my friends driving to random places, unplanned adventures are all part of the territory. But that's the thing, spontaneity terrifies me. As an anxious person, to prevent feeling like i belong in a mental institute, i have to plan everything down to a t. I have to plan social gatherings in my head, asertaining exactly who's going to be there, what we're doing, how i'm getting there and back and if there are any escape routes to prepare for random anxiousness. I check my bag a million times making sure everything's in it, check the time constantly before my friend picks me up and if they're a minute late i'm like okay well they're not coming and they hate me.

I need to be more free and spontaneous, but that's kind of hard when you have crippling anxiety. I'm really trying to master diving head first into things without excessive overthinking, sweat and fear. I genuinely want to be more spontaneous, and i am trying. But it's a very difficult thing and whenever i am spontaneous, i'm fighting my anxiety head on and it's scary.

Speak soon,

Molly
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